Obesity? What's that? Oh, you mean lard-bags!

Okay, folks, I gotta say something to anyone that's obese. You say that you're unable to help it, that you were born obese and that there's nothing you can do about it because it's in your genes. According to obese people, either they're "big boned" or have a "wide girth." That's a load of horses**t! Of course, you must be big boned in order for your bones to hold that much lard, and yes, I suppose you do have a wide girth, but I would be more inclined to call it a fat ass. There are people out there who try and fight obesity, who try and help kids who are fat by sending them to fat camps or by humiliating them on television. That's not how you do it. Here's how ya do it: let's say Big Timmy is eating too much, and becomes fat. First of all, you do not call him big boned or use any sort of euphemism to describe him-either he's just plain fat or he's lardo. Either way, if you refer to him like this, provided that he has any willpower at all he will take at least some measure to correct his weight. But, of course, no kid has that much willpower. So, here's the second thing you do: take the burger full of four beef patties out of his hand and replace it with a ham and lettuce sandwich. It's gonna take a lotta ham and lettuce sandwiches for him to keep that fat-too many for him to eat, so eventually the guy's weight will go down.

But the real problem with these people is the fact that they think they're blameless. Anyone who thinks that they have no say in what's happening to them should be smacked upside the head with something heavy and blunt. Sure, there are some things you really can't do anything about-cancer just happens to some people, even if they've never smoked or done anything unhealthy in their lives. But obesity is not a cancer. Obesity, and by that I mean fatness, is something that people do to themselves-unless, of course, you're saying that eating a half a ton of ice cream and McDonald's every day of your life will have no effect on your weight. You see, research has shown that there are genes which cause people to be overweight. Alright, fine, there's no problem with that, sometimes they can't help it but be a little big. But weighing 400 pounds and being incapable of moving? No gene does that to you-only you do that to you. The fact of the matter is that these people have curable eating disorders. How do you cure them? Lock them up with other vats 'o fat. Just keep them locked up in a controlled environment and feed them three meals a day with nothing but very healthy food. Michael Moore looks like Michael Jackson with a fuzzy orange beard when he leaves.

Nobody should think that they are blameless for their weight. If you weigh more than 50% of the average weight for someone your age and height, then obviously you need to put down the frickin' cheeseburger and start doing some push-ups. Like I said, your genes might make you a little overweight, and that's okay. But if you weigh too much to get out of bed, then there's obviously a little more than some microscopic strands of DNA at fault. Think about it, folks.